#TheBoundayLife: The Bridge to Your Authentic Life

Ever feel like setting boundaries is selfish? Let’s flip that mindset. Join me, Keisha, as I share my journey of learning to set boundaries without guilt—finding strength, peace, and self-love along the way. Inspired by Nedra Glover Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace, we’ll explore how boundaries act as bridges to healthier relationships and personal growth.

In this episode, we’ll challenge the idea that boundaries disconnect us and uncover how they foster deeper, more respectful connections. I’ll share my struggles with overextending myself and practical strategies—like doing a “boundary audit”—to help you spot stress points and make small, impactful changes.

Let’s walk this path toward authentic living together. Prioritizing your well-being isn’t selfish; it’s empowering. Tune in for insights, inspiration, and actionable steps to create a life rooted in peace, love, and balance. Don’t forget to subscribe and share your thoughts—let’s thrive together! 💖✨

Setting Boundaries Finding Peace
The Book: - https://amzn.to/3DKunaq
The Workbook: https://amzn.to/4hanpcY

Chapters

• 0:02 Navigating Boundaries for Authentic Living
• 10:44 Setting Healthy Boundaries for Self-Care
• 20:29 The Importance of Healthy Boundaries
• 32:22 Strategies for Setting Healthy Boundaries
• 37:11 Navigating Boundaries for Personal Growth
• 51:08 Embracing Authentic Self-Love

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hi, it's your girl, keisha, and welcome to the Authentic Life. Each episode, I'll guide you on the journey to living fully, freely and unapologetically. Together, we'll dive into real stories, practical insights and steps you can take to embrace your truth and show up as your most authentic self. So guess what? I am glad that you are here with me. Let's get started. Glad that you are here with me, let's get started. Hello, hello, hello and welcome to the Authentic Life, the space where we explore what it really means to live fully, to live freely and, most importantly, to live unapologetically as your true self. If you're new here, I'm Keisha, I'm your host, I'm your guide and, by the end of this, I might even be your accountability partner in this journey. So, whether you're tuning in from your car, your office or your favorite cozy corner at home, your girl is just so glad that you decided to be here with her today. Now, before we dive in, I want to take a moment to thank every single person that has jumped on this authentic life journey with me, whether you've downloaded the podcast, you shared it with your friends, you've sent me beautiful, amazing messages, or you just tuned in to listen. You've been incredible and I am so grateful. I am so appreciative. I am so very thankful. I never really knew what the impact would be when I am so appreciative, I am so very thankful. I never really knew what the impact would be when I started this podcast. All I knew was I had something to say and I had been writing a newsletter for a couple of months and have released several newsletters and I just felt like it needed another way to get out. It needed to get out to more people, and so I decided to do the podcast, and the podcast has been podcasting, and many of your messages that I've received from family members, from friends, from colleagues and even from people I don't even really know or don't know at all, have been nothing short of amazing. Your words have been confirmation that I'm on the right track and that I'm doing the right thing. If you know me and you're someone that knows me personally you know I am all about pouring into people and building people up, and that is what I hope this podcast is and will continue to be. You all have shared how these conversations are opening your eyes, how it's changing your mindset, that even it's relatable and you can see yourself in some of the things that I've said, and it's helping you take the first steps towards living authentically. And all of that means everything to me because, again, it's doing what I hoped it would do, right. So I hope you all will continue down this journey with me because, remember, this wasn't just the launch of the authentic life. It was the launch of something that just might change your life Right Now.

Speaker 1: 2:52

Let's get into today's topic. Last week, we broke down the myths about what living authentically is not. We talked about perfectionism. We talked about people pleasing. We talked about people pleasing. We talked about shrinking ourselves and we talked about living for the approval of others and as in how that traps us and keeps us from our truth, right. Well, today we're shifting gears and we're talking about something foundational to living Hashtag the authentic life and that's boundaries. Now, let me keep it real.

Speaker 1: 3:29

Boundaries are probably one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn and also is a continuous development space. For me, it is definitely a journey and not a final destination, because, depending on the person or the situation, I have gone from really healthy boundaries to letting people overstep them completely. Overstep them completely. So, when I think about my family and my friends, and even work, you know, I have let guilt make decisions for me. There have been times where I really didn't want to do a thing and really didn't want to do something or really didn't want to go anywhere. But I let guilt talk me into saying yes, knowing good and well I wasn't trying to do that or not trying to go to that place. I have over committed to prove that I'm a team player right. May it be at work or even in some of my dynamics, in my relationships. I've over committed just to prove to you that I belong in this space, right. So hopefully those are things that sound familiar and it's a work in progress. For me it's been, it has definitely been a game of double dutch when I think about how I function and operate in trying to manage my boundaries.

Speaker 1: 4:29

So that's why today we are diving deep into hashtag the boundary life. We will explore what boundaries really are. We'll talk about the cost of living without them and then we're going to I'm going to give you some practical, real life strategies to start setting them in ways that feel doable, feels doable and you don't feel the guilt that goes along with that. Plus, I'll be sharing some gems from one of my favorite books, set Boundaries, find Peace by Nedra Glover-Twob, along with my own hard learned lessons, right? So grab your coffee, grab your tea, grab your glass of wine, or maybe even a notebook or whatever keeps you grounded, and let's get into this. So let's start with what are boundaries at their core? For me, boundaries are the limits we set to protect our time, protect our peace, protect our energy and, most importantly, protect our emotional well-being. They are absolutely not walls to keep people out. In my opinion, they're actually bridges that guide others on how to engage with us in ways that align with our values.

Speaker 1: 5:33

Now, if you listened to the first four episodes hashtag the authentic life I asked you all to do a little activity, and that was to reflect on your values. I asked you what are the five things you value in your professional life? That's the way you collaborate with colleagues, or maybe it's the respect you give and receive at work. Then I asked you to think about what are the five things you value in your personal relationships. This could be trust, honesty, transparency, open and effective communication, or simply shared experiences with family, friends or romantic partners. Now here's the truth it's almost impossible for you to set meaningful boundaries without first knowing what you value. You can't align boundaries with something you have yet to define. So if you didn't do the activity, that's okay, that's all right, it's cool. Just pause and take some time to reflect now, because the hope is that everything we're doing, everything we're talking about, is a building block, right? And each episode is layering onto the last to ultimately help create a roadmap for us to live more authentically, right? So go back and do that activity if you didn't do that activity, so that when you start setting these boundaries, you know what you are aligning it to.

Speaker 1: 6:59

Now, boundaries come in all shapes and sizes, just like us, right? So I want to break that down for you. So there are six types of boundaries that I want us to think about and, as I'm talking about them, I want you to think about what type of boundaries you have in those spaces. So the first one is around physical boundaries. This involves your personal space and your physical needs. So, are you comfortable with hugging? Do you like to be in close proximity to people? Are you someone that needs physical affection, like I love physical touch, affection, all the things. Are you someone that needs that in your dynamics, right? Or are you someone that needs six feet. You know, give me some space Back up, you all in my personal space. I take a breath, you get half of it. See, I'm the one. I want you to have half my breath and I want half of yours. So no conversation, though.

Speaker 1: 7:51

The next one is emotional boundaries. These help you protect your feelings and manage your emotional energy right. This is about those vibes that we'd be talking about. You know, positive vibes, good energy that everybody wants, right. So this is really about who and what drains you. Who and what energizes you. When you know what your emotional boundaries are, that helps you navigate that type of stuff right. The third one is around time. It is what are your time boundaries? These are how you spend your time. Maybe it's saying no to unnecessary meetings or just taking some time for you, carving out some personal time for you to practice self-care right.

Speaker 1: 8:38

The next one is relationship boundaries. This is one I think many of us struggle with. These define acceptable behaviors in your interactions with other people, like your family, like your friends, like your romantic partners, your colleagues. How do you want to be treated? Our favorite thing, what are those non-negotiables for you in that dynamic? What are the things that is like, yeah, I'm not doing that, we not doing that, I can't do that, right.

Speaker 1: 9:12

The next one is around your work value. I mean work boundaries. This focuses on your availability, your work hours, how much of yourself you're pouring into your job, how much you're giving to your job. What does that balance look like for you? Work boundaries and relationship boundaries, I think, are the two most challenging ones for us to balance, but I think those are the ones that probably have some of the greatest impact on us, because majority of us are working and we are dealing, we have to people, with the people on a regular basis, right? So maintaining relationships is something we do all the time. So, to me, while all six are things that we potentially are struggling with, those two, we probably struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries in those spaces, right, but nonetheless. The last one is around material boundaries, and this is really about how you share or not share your possessions and your resources, like your money, stuff like that. So those are the six type of boundaries that you need to begin to think about, and I want you to write in your notebook for each type of boundary do you feel like you have healthy boundaries or not? Right, and make this a yes or no question, right, because we like to do yes, no, maybe so coulda, woulda, shoulda. When it's just a no, yeah, no it's a no, it's a hard no, it's a sentence. You know, no is a sentence, no period, right? And so take some time in your notebook and really think about what your boundaries look like in each area.

Speaker 1: 10:44

So now let's address a common misconception that boundaries are selfish. Right? Some people feel like, hey, when I set up some type of boundary, I'm being selfish. But boundaries are not selfish. And because so many people think boundaries are selfish, that leaves us in a place of feeling guilty. And many of us feel guilty when we set boundaries because we're worried it's taking something away from other people, right, but boundaries are not about withholding anything. They're actually about protecting your peace, protecting your energy, protecting your emotional well-being.

Speaker 1: 11:18

And if we don't have them, you risk pouring from an empty cup. And, let's be honest, you can't pour into others if your cup is always empty. But that's something that we try to do all too often, right? Many of us are pourers into people. That's something that we thrive off of, and if I were to think about myself, I really feel like that's why I was put on this earth was to pour into people and it shows so much in some of my boundaries that I have specifically in my relationship and my work boundaries, I will feel, no matter what my job is, no matter what it is, my job is to pour into people and that's just how I'm built and that's just who I am. But a lot of times I'm pouring from an empty cup.

Speaker 1: 12:07

So one thing I'm going to try to do is kind of highlight when I'm going to talk about something personal right, and so we're going to call these transparency moments or we're going to call them TMs, and this is the time in which I'm going to share something personal right and kind of go through this. So my transparency moment is really about how I think I mentioned at the beginning of this. If I think about the many things in hashtag, the authentic life I need to work on boundaries is the place that I double dutch in right, so I have good ones, I have healthy ones sometimes, and healthy ones sometimes dutch in right, so I have good ones, I have healthy ones sometimes and healthy ones sometimes I don't right. So in my transparency moment it really comes from the place of like the perception that people have of me, right. So I am viewed as like this person, with all of this strength, right, misindependent, even though I have no desire to be Miss independent. I need a man, I want a man, all the things right. So it's not a desire to be Miss independent, but I think that is the perception that many people have of me that I'm strong, I'm the strong friend, I'm the strong colleague. So if something is wrong, that is who we call because she's the fixer, she can fix it or she can't fix it. She can find someone who can fix it, or she can help me fix it or she can talk me through fixing it. And so it really puts you into a position of having to uphold that perception that people have of you. And this is a lot of times this is a perception that people have of me before they even ever experienced me. Right, I always got it. I miss having it together, miss put together, right.

Speaker 1: 13:49

I went to lunch with a girlfriend or went to dinner with some friends and I think I talked about this in my previous podcast, but it's a possibility I did not and she was just like Keisha. You good, you okay. I said, yeah she was like you, sure I you okay. I said yeah, she was like you, sure. I said yeah. She said you know it's okay if you're not. I said yeah, I know she was like because you put up such a strong front and you always are there for people and you're always like this strong presence that you know. I want you to know that it's okay, that if you're not, okay right.

Speaker 1: 14:22

So when in my transparency moment and me really thinking about you know me and my boundaries, this is a journey for me and definitely not a final destination, because that is something that I use the analogy of double dutch, because with certain dynamics, I am double dutching when it comes to my boundaries and it really goes back to that me being a poor into people that I believe that I was put here to build people up, to help you get to whatever your purpose is, because I feel like I operate in my purpose and is my duty to help you get there. In me, pouring into everybody's cup, into me, maintaining the image of being the strong, the person with all the strength, the person that doesn't people think I don't have issue or deal with things. That leaves me in a place of being empty sometimes and I'm not always replenished in the way that I pour, and I don't have an expectation that I am replenished in the way that I pour. I don't have an expectation that I am replenished in the way that I pour, but being strong all the time and having to maintain that strength makes it hard to set boundaries.

Speaker 1: 15:32

Sometimes you always feel obligated to show up to give, and a lot of times it's at my own expense. I'm doing stuff I really don't want to do. I don't want to disappoint the people around me, really don't want to do. I don't want to disappoint the people around me. I'm trying to maintain this thought that you have of me Generally. It's a subconscious thing, I'm almost certain it's a subconscious thing, but nonetheless I'm doing it and it becomes exhausting, it becomes a lot, and I'll admit I've had seasons where I again double dutch with my boundaries, meaning sometimes I have really firm boundaries and healthy boundaries, and then there's other times I let stuff slide. But here's what I've learned you don't have to live in that kind of cycle.

Speaker 1: 16:13

Boundaries are something that you practice and it's not a one-time decision. It's something that's a work in progress for me, right. However, when you are in a space where you are always pouring into people and you don't want to disappoint people. And if we think about it, that's where we began to shrink ourselves right. That's where that shrinking yourself comes into play. All of it ultimately ties together because that shrinking and that feeling you have to be and do for everybody comes from a place of not really having healthy boundaries or not really setting your own standards of how you're going to interact and engage with the people around me.

Speaker 1: 16:53

So if you're thinking about you know when you should begin thinking about boundaries and setting those boundaries. You really would want to focus on certain areas of your life that you feel like you're struggling. So we talked about those six types of boundaries. I know work and relationship are probably my two areas that I don't necessarily always have firm boundaries in, right, and so I have to begin to figure out a way to manage that, or I have figured out a way to try to manage that right, but that's something that you need to start doing right. So that's my transparency moment. Let's practice what it actually looks like right In action.

Speaker 1: 17:34

So if you just start out by saying practicing these three short phrases, simple phrases, right? You can say I'm not available for that, or that doesn't work for me, or you know what. Let me get back to you on that. Will that be okay? Or just simply saying I'm just not going to be able to do that? Write those down, save them in your phone, use them in situations where the stakes are low and you don't feel like if you made one of those comments it's going to cause an issue or be a problem, right? So, over time, you will feel as though you are beginning to embrace boundaries. The more that you practice it, the more that you do utilize it in low stake situations, you'll begin to feel empowered. Empowered to understand that, hey, you'll begin to feel empowered. Empowered to understand that, hey, you're honoring your truth. And it's not just about setting boundaries, it's about being okay with the boundaries that you set.

Speaker 1: 18:35

And I think that's where we struggle. I think we know how to set boundaries. I know how to set boundaries, we know what boundaries are, I know exactly what my boundaries are. But some cases we just feel bad about the boundaries we're setting with the people that we're setting, or we're going, or we go through all of these different things in our lives. And if I set this boundary or if I do this thing, what is going to happen if I do that? And sometimes we get lost in that or we get in a place of fear, of loss of access to something that if I don't do this or if I set this boundary, what is going to be the repercussion of that? And I think that's where the self-awareness and really doing some self-reflection on who you are and all of the people that you have in your life and the dynamics you have with those people, and do those people bring out the best version of you? Or do they bring out that watered down version of you where you don't have boundaries and you don't say all the things that you want to say and you don't say no, and you don't protect your energy and you don't protect your peace?

Speaker 1: 19:40

So, thinking about boundaries and boundaries in action, I recently was going to do something for some folks, right, and I was going back and forth. Nobody asked me to do this. Now, this was just something that I was going to do because I'm a nice person and I do nice things. I do little bitty things all the time. I can be extra at times, and so this was something nice that I wanted to do. At least that was the idea I had in my mind when I originally came up with the thing that, hey, I want to do this. But then, the more I thought about it was like you know, you really don't want to do this, so why are you doing this? And why do you continue to do things that you don't really want to do? Why do you continue to overextend yourself? These are all the questions that are going on in my head, right? So this was a DIY project.

Speaker 1: 20:29

So I go to the store to buy the items for the DIY project, even though I went back and forth for a couple of days. Kish, you're going to do this, you're not going to do this because I didn't have a lot of time to get this done. And so when I get to the store to purchase the stuff, while I'm in the store, you know I'm just looking window shopping and I'm like you know what? I'm not doing this. Wait a minute, why am I doing this?

Speaker 1: 20:57

I didn't want to do it and, honestly, if I'm gonna keep it a whole book and y'all want to get inside my mind if I did do it, it probably wouldn't have been appreciated anyway, not by all, and there's never an expectation that anything I do comes with any accolades or anything like that, because I just do the things that I want to do. But what I had to ask myself, which made me ask myself and it wasn't just about this thing that I was doing for these people, I think in the time that I was thinking about it, and just the time that I am in my life, I'm in a place of assessment and it just was like this is not the only thing that I overextend myself for. So why am I putting so much time and energy into something right? What am I hoping to get out of doing this? What am I hoping to get out of overextending myself? Am I overextending myself to prove, or what am I overextending myself to prove? Right? And so really thinking about that, and then I just came to the decision. You know what, yeah, I'm not doing it. That's a hard no for me. And it felt good and it felt freeing, and the thing that I was going to do for them, I did for myself.

Speaker 1: 22:06

So for me, it's really about the beauty of boundaries allows you to show up authentically without burning out. Boundaries are not about just protecting you. They are also about helping you build healthy, healthier relationships with the people in your life, may it be professional or personal. So if I overextend myself and other people see me constantly overextending myself, they're not going to have a problem asking me to overextend myself, because I just show them that I don't have a boundary when it comes to that. If transparency and honesty and open, effective communication are things that I value, but then when I interact and engage with you, that's not what I get from you, but we still interacting and engaging. I'm teaching you that I don't have healthy boundaries. So when we think about boundaries and we think about having boundaries and putting boundaries in place, that's just not about protecting yourself. It's really about helping you build healthier relationships with the people in your life, because ultimately, doing that that shows them how to engage with you in a way that respects you, that respects your time, that respects your energy and ultimately respects your values and the things that you value. So when you set boundaries, you are creating a bridge, baby, not a barrier, and if someone can't respect those boundaries, that's a sign that you need to be reassessing their place in your life.

Speaker 1: 23:50

Boundaries are about self-awareness. It's about taking a good look at your relationships and your surroundings, not just about your good and your bad qualities. It's also about looking at your relationships and your surroundings and the good and bad qualities of those things. Are the people in your life supportive of the growth that you are trying to do those things? Are the people in your life supportive of the growth that you are trying to do? Are the people in your life supportive of the person that you are good, bad and ugly? Do the spaces you occupy align with your values? Baby, this is a process. Boundaries take practice and progress takes time. So I challenge you to start small, to honor your truth, whatever that is, and remind yourself boundaries are a form of self-care and you definitely deserve that.

Speaker 1: 24:43

So what's the cost of not having boundaries in your life? We've talked about what they are. We've talked about why they matter, but I really want to spend some time talking about what happens when we don't have any. Now, as I mentioned before, boundaries are often misunderstood as the walls that push people away, but in reality, remember, they're actually bridges that create balance. They help us protect our time. They help us protect our energy and our well-being, while also helping us maintain healthy relationships and a sense of self. Remember, I said that before, but let's face it, many of us struggle to set boundaries and the cost of living without them can be staggering.

Speaker 1: 25:24

I mentioned that having boundaries or setting boundaries has been something that has been difficult for me. I've had a season where I've been able to have really healthy boundaries with every single person in my life, and then I've had a season where I've let fear or I've let guilt or I've let some other reason or something prevent me from having the type of boundaries I need to have with people. And so when you don't set boundaries, the consequences don't just creep into your life, they actually take over. It adds another layer of stress. It adds another layer of overwhelmness. It puts you in a position to shrink yourself right. So we talked about in the last episode how we shrink ourselves with people and in places, and a lot of times it's that fear Right, I said I don't have. I've had moments where I didn't maintain boundaries out of fear. Right, it's the same thing. And so when we think about it, there's different things that can occur when you aren't setting boundaries Right.

Speaker 1: 26:27

So let's say you are the, I am the person, and I think I mentioned this before. I am the person. I'm the strong friend, I'm there for everybody, I do all the things. Most people, when they their perception of me is that I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't. I don't have no feelings and I got all the things. That's the funny thing. I have all the things right.

Speaker 1: 26:46

But when you are that person, a lot of times you end up not always having healthy boundaries, and when you don't have healthy boundaries, it brings what it brings about resentment. Right? You start to feel bitter about the very commitments that you agree to. You start to feel bitter about the very things that maybe in the beginning you truly enjoy doing, that you no longer enjoy doing or want to do anymore. And that bitterness can seep into the relationships, making even positive interactions feel strange. Right, we always like to talk about people's energy and people don't. Good vibes, positive vibes. I'm a big believer of understanding the environments in which we function and operate. And how do those environments impact that energy and those vibes? Right? And so if you're in that space and you're not setting healthy boundaries in that space, then, yeah, you may not have positive energy because you're in a place of resentment, because now you're feeling bitter about the commitments that you used to be super happy about doing. Maybe in some cases, or maybe you never, were happy right. So always thinking about when you are in a place of resentment around something that you're doing, or is it possible that you don't have a healthy boundary in that space?

Speaker 1: 27:58

The other thing that living without boundaries does is put us in a space of burnout. When you're constantly giving more than you have to give, it's only a matter of time before you hit a wall. Emotional and physical exhaustion becomes. The norm for you is you don't have anything else to give, you don't? You are pouring and pouring, and pouring, and your cup is empty and your cup hasn't been refilled, and so now you're at a place of burnout. The other thing that living without boundaries does is put us in a place of disconnection. Without boundaries, you're constantly pulled in different directions by other people's needs. This makes it easy to lose sight of your own values, your own goals and your own identity.

Speaker 1: 28:47

The next is it really can have some health consequences. Stress from overcommitment doesn't just affect your mood, it affects your body. Chronic stress can lead to anxiety, high blood pressure or even serious illnesses over time. So really taking time to think about when? I'm always stressed when I'm around this person or every time this person call me. I'm stressed because they want to ask me to do this or I need to do that. You really need to kind of take stock of that. That goes back to self-awareness. Isn't just about you and doing self-reflection for yourself. It's really that self-reflection of everything around you and all of the people around you. And what does that mean?

Speaker 1: 29:24

The other thing that living without boundaries does is put you in a position to miss out on opportunities, because saying yes to everything leaves little room for things that truly matter. You may miss out on personal growth, meaningful relationships or goals that you've put on the back burner because you're trying to be everything for everybody. So you have to learn how to balance that and how to get to a place of having healthy boundaries. So think about this If you're constantly running on empty, how can you show up fully for the things and the people that matter the most? Boundaries are essential because they allow you to protect what's most important your energy, your time and your ability to live authentically.

Speaker 1: 30:07

So how do you begin setting boundaries? Well, here's a quick little exercise that I call the boundary audit. The first thing I want you to do is identify a stress point. Write down one area in your life where you feel overextended work, social commitments or even your digital life, like hello endless notifications, phone is always popping. Next, I want you to name a boundary. Decide on one boundary you could set to protect your time or your energy in that particular area. Next, I want you to draft how you communicate that boundary clearly and respectfully.

Speaker 1: 30:43

Now, this is where I think we struggle, because oftentimes we know what our stress, our stress point is. We know when we feel overextended, we know when we're doing the most and we're doing too much, and we know when we don't want to do a thing. Right. So, identifying the stress point I don't think it's a problem for most of us, even naming and deciding the boundary that we need to set to not have that stress point anymore. I think we equally know what that is and can name it and probably have named it, have said it out loud to ourselves multiple times.

Speaker 1: 31:20

The struggle I think that we have comes from the scripted part, this part draft how you will communicate that boundary clearly and respectfully. Right, that's the part that I think we struggle with. We can do the other two pieces. No problem. I can write it down. I can tell you what my problem is. We can tell you what our problems are all day long. Generally, we can tell you how to fix it. I got several problems. Right now I know exactly how to fix it. It's that third one right there. How do you communicate that out loud, right? And so that's the place that we struggle because, depending on the dynamics of our relationships, we do not want to hurt people's feelings.

Speaker 1: 32:05

You or I don't like my job, or whatever the case may be, but ultimately it's stressing me out. I ain't got time to do that. I don't forget all of that. Forget the niceness pieces of it. I don't even really want to do it. Bottom line, I don't want to do it. I got time. I just don't want to do it.

Speaker 1: 32:22

But we are not always comfortable setting those firm boundaries with certain people in our lives and a lot of times with work, we feel like we have to do all the things. Or we're not going to get the promotion, or we're not going to get the raise, or we're not going to be seen as someone that can handle all the things. But why I got to handle all the things? Why do I have to be the person that has to do all the things to make you feel see my value, or make me or or make it seem like I'm worth being in this place or being near you or talking to you. Why do I have to do all the things Right? And so those are all the things that we think about when we're talking about setting boundaries with people.

Speaker 1: 33:00

But we want peace in our life. But we want peace in our life, and peace starts with you. We create a false sense of peace when we're not communicating with people. When we communicate, when we don't communicate for the sake of peace, we are creating our own turmoil. At the end of the day, the only person that's in peace is the person that's over there, not the person over here trying to maintain the peace for the person over there. So when we think about our boundaries and we're doing this boundary audit and you're identifying your stress point and you're naming your boundary and you're writing out how you're going to communicate that boundary, especially if it's dealing with your job or family, friends or spouse or partner, whatever the case may be, you got to think about that dynamic. And why do you feel that you can't, no matter how well crafted your script is, you don't feel like you can communicate that boundary. Those are the type of things that we need to be thinking about, not just what a boundary is and how to set the boundary, because some boundaries are good, like my time and how I spend my time.

Speaker 1: 34:04

Let's I was let's say it was a work example. If work is bleeding into your personal life, right, your boundary might be I respond to emails during business hours, but after six o'clock I'm offline, unless it's something urgent, right. That may be a very simple thing to implement, like for me, the simplest thing would be is to take my emails off my phone so that I'm not getting notifications every five minutes about emails that are coming in. Or, if I have a work chat, cutting my work chat off after a certain period of time or muting it so that I don't hear it, and then cut it back on when I go to work. Some of those things are easier to implement. I'm not going to be on social media as much. I'm not going to spend a lot of my time doing this or doing that. Those things are easy to implement.

Speaker 1: 34:48

But when you're dealing with other people, when you got the people with the people, and you have to be able to people with the people and then manage your emotions and their emotions about this thing that you don't want to do no more, especially if the person has an expectation that you're going to do that thing or if it's your job that can. That takes a lot out of you, and so you really got to get to the root of why you don't want to communicate that or why you don't feel like you can communicate that. But do a boundary audit and really think about you know what are some areas where you know you could have some better boundaries and you want to start small. You don't have to start really big. It's just start small and begin to work your way into a place where you are having healthy boundaries.

Speaker 1: 35:34

So setting boundaries ultimately is an act of self-respect. It's about prioritizing your wellbeing so you can show up as the best version of yourself. When you take the time to protect your energy, you're not just improving your life, you're creating a space where you can show up as the best version of yourself. When you take the time to protect your energy, you're not just improving your life, you're creating a space where you can thrive right, all of us. Most of us have been on an airplane. When we get on the airplane, the stewardess she does her thing and she always tells us. The one thing they always tell us to do is put your mask on first before you put anybody else's mask on this plane, even in a situation like that, the plane going down they are telling you to take care of you first. But when we operate in our day-to-day lives, we put so many people before us we don't prioritize us and a lot of times we don't see setting boundaries as a form of prioritizing us and making ourselves important, just as important as the people that we are saying yes to when we really want to say no. So what I want you to think about is what's one boundary you can set today and implement? And that's your first step in really getting to a place where you are living with boundaries instead of living without boundaries.

Speaker 1: 36:51

Ok, so now we're in the homestretch. We've talked about what boundaries are. We've talked about the cost of living without boundaries. Now we're talking about strategy. So we're talking all strategy, because knowing about boundaries is one thing, but living hashtag the boundary life, that's where the actual transformation begins. So let's dive right into strategy.

Speaker 1: 37:11

So I'm going to start with sharing a few gems from the book Set Boundaries, find Peace. I will link the book and the workbook that goes along with the book in the show notes. This is a book that I recommend to my leadership team, that I've recommended to folks that I've coached, as well as family and friends. It's a book that I have personally used for the last year. I've read it twice and I have I utilize that workbook to work through things, because I do think that book can be a resource and an essential guide to reclaiming hashtag the boundary life if you're struggling with boundaries.

Speaker 1: 37:51

But what I do want to add is what I want to challenge us all to do is to be proactive in all of this stuff that we're doing, right. So if life is great for you and life is not life for you and you have healthy boundaries, you're living authentically, you're doing all the things. I still challenge you to do the activities, to get the resources, because let's maintain that stuff, let's be proactive instead of reactive, right. So if I work out on a regular basis, that puts me in a position to be healthy, right. But if I choose, if I get sick and then I go to the doctor and the doctor says, hey, you need to start working out. Now I'm being reactive when, if I worked out the whole time, I may not have ended up at the doctor's office to begin with.

Speaker 1: 38:28

Have the same type of mindset when you're thinking about your mental health, your emotional stability, your spiritual life, your mindset, all of those things. Make sure that you're being proactive in trying to ensure that, even though you may be in a great space, there is always a possibility that you may not remain in that space. So you want to already have the resources and the strategies to be able to work an issue when an issue becomes a problem for you. So, but first before we jump into some of those. So let me back up for a second, get the book and the workbook. Whether you have healthy boundaries or not, be proactive instead of reactive. Ok, now I can move on.

Speaker 1: 39:11

So it's crucial to understand the quality of your boundaries. So in the book she breaks that down. She makes, she breaks boundaries down into three categories. She has it as healthy boundaries, rigid boundaries and porous boundaries. So healthy boundaries are those boundaries that strike a balance. They're clear, they're firm and respectful. They allow you to prioritize your needs while also maintaining meaningful relationships. So, for example, when you're expressing hey, I'm not available tonight, but let's plan something for next week, that allows you to set the boundary but also preserve the connection. A lot of times we say yes instead of saying no because we feel that if we say no it's going to jeopardize the connection that we have with that person. But this is a way to preserve that connection If you're in a space to where it's a no right now but it could be a yes later on, right?

Speaker 1: 40:06

The next one is the rigid boundaries. These create walls to keep everyone out, often as a self-protective mechanism. So, for example, refusing to let anyone help you or share personal stories about you may signal that you have overly rigid boundaries. While they may prevent harm, they can also limit connection and support. So if you're not one to share a lot like people that know me know, if you don't ask, I don't tell. I don't always do a lot of sharing that can be classified as a rigid boundary right. And so, understanding the why, I have to understand the why behind that and why I choose to make that. And am I limiting connections? And ultimately, do I care about those connections that I'm limiting if I'm not willing to share. So that's something that you have to kind of work through and process.

Speaker 1: 40:56

The next is around porous boundaries. These are overly loose and allow others to take advantage of you. So signs of porous boundaries include saying yes when you want to say no Oversharing I don't think people feel or understand that oversharing is a form of having overly loose boundaries, but a lot of times we do that because of spaces that we're in right. So being able to recognize that is important. Then feeling responsible for other people's emotions, based off of setting the boundary. So if I set the boundary, if I say no, then they're going to be upset or they're going to respond negatively. It's not your responsibility to be responsible for somebody else's feelings or how they respond to something. They are responsible for how they regulate their own emotions right.

Speaker 1: 41:44

Porous boundaries often lead to burnout and resentment. Remember earlier we talked about the cost of living without boundaries. When you're always doing for people, when you're always pouring into other people, when you're always saying yes when you really wanna say no, when you're doing stuff that you have no energy for, no time, for no desire to do the thing right, it leads to burnout, but it also leads to resentment. There have been instances and times where I've had porous boundaries with people, and I can see the resentment every time I interact with that person. Because I don't have good boundaries, I'm doing a bunch of stuff that I really don't want to do, but I am probably taking on responsibility of how they may respond, even potentially not really knowing how they respond. They may respond, but making an assumption about how they may respond, and so then, like I don't even really want to deal with you, no more. So understanding the three categories and the quality of your boundaries is just as crucial to your understanding the boundaries that you need to put in place.

Speaker 1: 42:51

Now. Here are some strategies from the book. Start small. I mentioned that already. Right, boundaries don't need to be monumental to be impactful. You can begin with one manageable area. Maybe it's declining extra responsibilities at work or carving out a quiet moment in your day, just finding some time to yourself and saying, hey, five minutes, 10 minutes, before I start getting dressed, I'm going to do this thing. Or before I start my day, I'm going to do this thing. Or if someone says, hey, do you feel like you can be on this committee? I don't have the capacity for that right now. So start small, use I statements. Ground your boundaries and self-ownership. So take ownership of the boundaries that you're setting. So try saying things like I need time to decompress after work before diving into conversations. This approach is clear, firm and rooted in self-respect.

Speaker 1: 43:46

The next one is anticipate pushback. When you start setting boundaries with people who you haven't had any boundaries with especially if you had porous boundaries with those individuals, honey, you are challenging the status quo that they know, and not everybody's going to cheer you on. You're going to get some pushback. You're going to have some folk that don't understand why you're changing. What's going on, what happened, why are you changing? But what you have to do is stay anchored in your why, and that's because you're protecting your peace, your energy and, ultimately, your authenticity. So be okay with the pushback. Challenge the status quo that they know and if they don't cheer you on, that's okay. It's all right. Everybody not going to be happy with everything that we do all the time, it's okay. We already talked about knowing the types of boundaries.

Speaker 1: 44:35

So you have the physical boundaries I don't like hugs, don't touch me Six feet Protecting your personal space and your physical well-being. Those emotional boundaries, you know I really can't discuss that right now. Can't discuss that topic right now. Safeguard your feelings and your emotional energy, those time-based Look. I need 30 minutes of myself every morning when I come to work. I don't want any meetings on my calendar. I don't really want a whole bunch of people coming in my office. I need some time to decompress Material. I can't lend money out right now, so that's managing how you share or protect your possessions. So those are some strategies and some stuff that I pull from the book.

Speaker 1: 45:16

Now let me layer in a few of my own strategies for living boldly and unapologetically. So one of the things that I had to do was recognize my patterns. I really had to take some time to reflect on where my boundaries tended to blur and what I learned was that for me it was with family and close friends, and those relationships were love and obligation intertwined with one another. So those romantic relationships, so recognizing that has been a game changer for me, because it's allowed me, with certain close friends and especially when I'm in romantic relationships, I can have either rigid boundaries or porous boundaries. They're not always the healthy boundaries, right, but it's that self-reflection and self-awareness and being able to recognize your patterns. That was why I love the activity in the workbook where she had you think about your family, your close friends, romantic partners, and made you talk about the type of boundaries that you have with those individuals and why you have the type of boundaries that you have. Because that was one hell of a boundary audit for me, to be honest, and it really did help me recognize some of my patterns, to begin shifting and changing when it came to my boundaries.

Speaker 1: 46:50

The other thing was practicing saying no. Saying no isn't just a boundary, it's an act of self-preservation. And starting with something small like turning down a low stakes request, because each no builds your confidence and strengthens your resolve, so really getting to a place with being comfortable with just saying you know it's a no for me, I can't do that, I don't want to do that, no, and being OK with that. The next thing for me was embracing the power of pausing Before saying yes to something, out of just habit of just saying yeah, I'll do that, or guilt. Now, when somebody asks me something, can I do something? I really kind of take a pause and I ask myself like, do I have time for this? Do I have the energy for this right now? Does it even align with what I value at the end of the day? And those simple acts of mindfulness can make all the difference when you're making your decision and whether or not you're going to maintain a healthy boundary in that space.

Speaker 1: 47:58

Lastly, I want to talk about one of the things I do is celebrate every victory. So I believe that you should always celebrate your wins, your big and your small wins. We always like to celebrate the grandiose things. You should celebrate every victory. Honoring your boundaries, no matter how small, is worth celebrating. Did you say no without over-explaining? That's a win. Celebrate. Did you leave a situation that drained you? That's a win. Celebrate. Recognize these moments because they're building blocks of your boundary masterpiece. Now, the truth of the matter is that we don't hear enough. Guilt in this situation is normal. It's a byproduct of breaking patterns that no longer serve you. But this is what I need you to remember Guilt, that's a visitor. It's not a roommate. So acknowledge it, learn from it, but don't let it take up permanent residence in your house.

Speaker 1: 48:59

Living hashtag. The boundary life isn't easy, but I promise you it is so worth it. It has been a double-dutch journey for me. It will constantly be a journey for me, but it's a journey so worth it. It's a journey worth going on because when you set boundaries, you're not just protecting your peace, you are creating a life that you truly deserve. Really think about the boundaries that you don't set with your workplace, your family, your friends, your spouse, your partner, whomever and what does that do to you? Are you always over-explaining, are you always stressed? Are you burnt out? Are you disconnected from yourself? Because you're so worried about other people? You are pouring into everybody's cup. All right, y'all.

Speaker 1: 49:49

We've covered a lot today. We talked about what boundaries are, why they matter and how to start practicing them in a way that protects your peace and supports your journey towards living. Hashtag the boundary life. Now here's your homework or challenge for the week. I want you to pick one area of your life it can be work, family or personal time. Then I want you to set a boundary. Use the phrases that we talked about like I'm not available for that right now or I need some time to think about this and then try the boundary audit, see how it feels to honor your truth and take that step towards living authentically.

Speaker 1: 50:24

Now, next week, we're diving into freedom and empowerment. We'll explore how living authentically and setting healthy boundaries can help you reclaim your time, make aligned decisions and find joy in the space you've created for yourself. It's all about learning how to thrive in the life you've intentionally designed. So don't miss it. But until then, remember this boundaries aren't about keeping people out. They're about creating space for the people and the things that matter the most. Protect your peace, honor your values and keep showing up as your authentic self. I'm Keisha, I'm your guide, I'm your host, but I just might be your accountability partner at the end of this. This is the Authentic Life, and I'll see you next time.

Speaker 1: 51:08

Well, folks, the episode has come to an end. Thank you for hanging out with me on the Authentic Life. If you love today's episode, don't forget to subscribe, because subscribing it's just like an instant invite to more fun, to more inspiration and to more authentic vibes. I could also use a review, so leave a review or share this with someone that you feel needs a little inspiration. But whatever you do, let's spread the joy of the authentic life. Remember this your authentic self is your greatest gift to the world, and no one should ever make you feel like you aren't. Until next time, stay true, stay bold and keep living the authentic life Peace, love and blessings from your girl Keisha.